It's the most wonderful time of the year
by TragicBlueLight
Summary: It was a Christmas Eve and Dean decided he had had enough. Sam was pushing him away, anger draining the life out of him and he decided to give in. What was his life worth anyway? Will Sam save his slipping brother? TRIGGER WARNING Suicide attempt. Sad!depressed!suicidal!hospitalized!Dean angry!worried!Sam Season 9 Angst hurt/comfort Please review:)
1. Merry Christmas, Sam

Sorry for probably a weird start, first chapter is the hardest for me to write. It'll get better hopefully. TELL E WHAT YOU THINK. Happy holidays!

* * *

It was Christmas Eve.

Dean was sitting in his bedroom, alone, a bottle of Jack in his hand. Dark heavy thought were clouding his drunken mind, leaving him in tears.

This year he wasn't celebrating.

This year he was alone. Again.

This year his only family despised him.

This year he was in a place so dark he couldn't see the light.

This year Sam hated him.

This year he wished to die.

A lonely tear fell down his face and crashed in his lap.

It was pathetic, really.

Sitting here, feeling sorry for himself, it was all his damn fault anyways, no one else to blame. He deserved to be this way, deserved to be hated, to be alone. After all the things that he'd done, he deserved so much more. He deserved to be dead and burning in hell.

Because of his selfish decisions, Sam could have died, he was hurt and suffering. What kind of a brother he was? Letting Sammy down in every possible way. He should be protecting him, taking him out of harm's way, not the other way around.

Sam hated him, that was for sure. All these hateful looks, contempt towards him, disapproving looks… it felt like Sam didn't want him around anymore. He shouldn't burden his brother with his presence either…

This morning Sam shouted at him again, because he was walking too slow, apparently. Then again, what was he good for?

Anger and frustration was boiling up inside of him, it was becoming just too damn much.

Dean threw the bottle across the room. It smashed, shards of glass flying all around the room. Dean laughed hysterically, hot tears rolling down his cheeks. He was in the middle of a mental breakdown or so it seemed.

He knew he was broken, nothing there left to fix. All horrible things that happened through all these years left him in pieces. He couldn't glue himself back together anymore. Wasn't sure he wanted to. What was he good for anyways? He wasn't strong enough, haven't been in a long time.

Sam used to help him to get through it, but now… Sam wouldn't even talk to him, wouldn't even look at him, let alone have a chick-flick moment with him and comfort him in his darkest hours, no... He was more than screwed, he knew that.

It felt like all this pain he was feeling inside was killing him, ripping his soul to shreds piece by piece. He just couldn't take it anymore, it was getting too much. He wanted it to end. To be at peace. Away from the pain.

Maybe… maybe there is a way out of this? Dean glanced at the shreds, wiping his eyes.

It wasn't like he never thought about it, he had. There were occasions where he was about to off himself, but he never went to the point where he couldn't return if he change his mind. _Now.._.

He could just end it all, not like anyone would care or miss him, he was a lost case for a long long time anyway.

Dean leaned over and picked up a piece of glass with his shaking hand and peered at it. It was a Christmas after all, wished should come true, right?

And he wished to die.

He suffered enough.

Sammy will be happy to get rid of his sorry ass too.

Dean smiled and drove the glass deep into his wrist, feeling the relief instantly as the blood rushed down his arm. Cutting was one of the things that took the pain away, temporarily at least. But he didn't want to go like that, too messy. Too obvious. Too easily fixed.

His gaze caught a glimpse of sleeping pills in his bag. Dean didn't hesitate to gulp what was left of them down.

It won't be long from now on.

Maybe this year wasn't so bad after all.

* * *

Sam was pacing in the bunker all day. He just couldn't stop moving.

It was Christmas Eve.

He hadn't seen Dean for a while now, his room was weirdly quiet.

He shouldn't be surprised tho, they were barely talking, Dean chose to lock himself away and suffer alone. That was fine by him, Dean always used to shut himself down when something awful happened, but this was something new and terrifying. Dean never done this. He had never seen him this way either.

Sure, he was mad at him and he was sure to show it every time he got a chance. He wanted to make sure Dean understood that this time he won't get away that easy. Sam wanted to make him see the mistake and the consequences of his choice. But thinking further… maybe he pushed too far this time?

Sam knew how fragile Dean actually was despite the show he was putting on. He was fully aware of the look Dean was looking at him lately; it was fear mixed with uncertainty, full of sadness and guilt. Dean was blaming himself, that was for sure, but… it looked like he wasn't sure if Sam even acknowledges him. Felt like he was longing to say something, but he never could.

Every time Sam would look at him, Dean would turn his gaze away in fear that Sam will say something harsh. Every time he did he would flinch.

Like he was punched.

Sam gulped down the air.

Even this morning when he was rushing down to the kitchen he screamed at Dean for walking too slow. Dean fucking flinched and moved away like he was expecting a punch. It was the Christmas Eve, couldn't he keep his pie hole shut at least during Christmas time?

Damn it.

He hadn't seen Dean after that.

They should at least sit down to the table and eat something together, angry or not, it was a family time.

Sam bit his lip.

He should get over himself for at least today. Even if Dean will refuse his offer, at least he would have tried.

Sam headed to Dean's room and knocked.

Silence,

"Dean, you in there?" Sam asked.

Nothing.

Well, Dean never left, so he has to be in his room. Was he ignoring him?

Sam sighed and pushed the door open.

Whatever he expected to see wasn't that.

Shards of glass was lying all around the room. Dean, tho, was lying on his bed, unmoving.

"Dean?" Sam went closer, feeling of wrongness hitting him.

His brother didn't move.

Sam touched his shoulder and called him again.

Then his gaze stumbled across the empty bottle of sleeping pills and empty bottles of whiskey.

He swore he paled and fully turned his attention to Dean, his heart skipping a beat.

"Dean?" he demanded, getting no reaction.

His pulse quickened.

He turned Dean on his back and tried to check his pulse.

It was there, pulse rapid and uneven. Dean's skin clammy and cold. He was barely breathing.

"Fucking shit, goddamnit, fuck, fuck, FUUUUCK!" Sam screamed.

This was not happening.

He couldn't believe Dean had done this. From all the stupid things he's done this was the number one.

"Dean, wake. The hell. Up. _Now_!" he shook his brother hardly, getting no reaction.

"No no no no no no no, you don't get to do this, you stupid jerk!" he screamed at his unresponsive brother.

They needed hospital, _NOW_.

Sam quickly gathered Dean into his arms and ran through the door straight to the Impala.

Dean was limp in his arms, the lifelessness of it freaked the hell out of Sam.

It was all wrong, so damn wrong.

Dean had done this to himself.

Sam hit the speed pedal.

 _~It's the most wonderful time of the year~_ car radio shouted.

"Yeah, the most beautiful, riding to a hospital with my brother who tried to kill himself on a Christmas Eve, so beautiful" Sam murmured, trying to turned off the radio, unsuccessfully.

 _~There'll be much mistletoeing~_

Dean was slumped in the seat next to him. Honestly, it looked like he was dead.

Sam grabbed his wrist to feel a was still there, hanging on. But Dean's wrist was smeared with blood.

"Jesus, you don't do things half ways, do you, Dean?"

 _~And hearts will be glowing~_

Honestly, Sam was terrified.

It wasn't like he was an innocent here. His ignorance and anger towards Dean was clearly the last push to him. He was already standing on the edge and needed someone to pull him away, but instead, he was pushed. By his _brother._

 _~When love ones are near~_

"Sure, near, and almost dead, would you just shut the hell up!" Sam furiously hit the radio.

Apparently, _it was_ so bad Dean couldn't take it he chose death instead. On a fucking Christmas Eve.

No wonder, he thought his only family doesn't love him anymore, doesn't need him.

He probably wanted to leave a note saying "Merry Christmas, Sam,you've got what you wanted."

Fucking stupid bastard.

"Hang on, Dean, we're almost there" he said instead. "Don't you dare to die on me, not like this."

He already saw the hospital and thanked God.

He just hoped he wasn't too late when he burst into ER with his brother in his arms.

 _~It's the most wonderful time of the year~_

* * *

thanks for reading xx

 **reviews would make my day x**

no, seriously, leave a review


	2. He's alive

They took Dean immediately and wheel him away, leaving Sam standing in the middle of the hallway with nothing but hope and an empty feeling in his chest.

Hope that he wasn't too late and they will save Dean.

Hope that his only family won't die.

Hope that he will get a chance to fix this, because if not…

Sam shivered.

What if he would have never gone to Dean's room?

He'd be burying him.

"Sir, you need to fill the forms" a short nurse with a Santa's cap approached him.

He just nodded. It seemed like the least important thing in the world right now.

He quickly filled them, not really paying attention to what he wrote.

Sam's mind was all about how Dean could do this and if he was still alive. After all, God knows how many pills he took, how long he was lying there, _dying_. And before that being alone, drinking, thinking that Sam hated him and probably didn't want him alive.

Sam gulped down the air.

Now he regretted shouting at him this morning.

Maybe that was the final push? Maybe Dean was coming _to him_ only to be pushed away? Maybe he wanted to talk, maybe he wanted to apologize, maybe he wanted to ask if he'd like to celebrate. Whatever he wanted, he got the answer clearly and never showed up again. Possibly he was afraid Sam will shout at him once more.

And if Dean dies, Sam shivered at the thought, the last memory of his little brother will be angry words and hatred towards him.

* * *

"He's alive"

"Oh thank God" Sam let out a relieved breath and thanked to someone who was watching after their sorry asses.

"We pumped his stomach, but a dangerous amount of drugs still entered his system. We're giving him fluids and medication to lessen the effect of the sleeping pills. Also oxygen since he was barely breathing once he came in and his breathing is still messed up. We are going to monitor him very closely for next 24 hours, also, he's on a suicide watch for the next 72. Once he's awake I'll send a psychiatrist to talk to him so we know his mental state and what to do next. Does he have any history with mental illness?" doctor asked finally.

"No" Sam shook his head. "He seemed fine until…" he wavered hands.

"I understand" doctor smiled sympathetically. "It's usually hard to notice until something like this happens. Don't blame yourself, son, you brought him here just in time. It's not too late to fix everything" doc patted Sam's shoulder, trying to comfort him.

Although Sam nodded, he wasn't so sure.

Dean didn't seemed fine by the slightest, he was drifting further and further every day and he was just too stubborn and prideful to step up and say something, take action. Until Dean took action into his own hands.

It already seemed like too late.

"Can I see him?" he asked hopefully.

"Yes, he's in a room 34b. I'll show you the way."

* * *

Dean looked dead.

Truthfully.

His body was covered in vires and the medical stuff, his left wrist bandaged, IV's in his arms, oxygen mask on his face… he still was deathly pale and lifeless. if not a heart monitor beeping quietly, showing the world that he's still in this world, you could honestly presume he's in a land of dead already.

At least his lips weren't blue.

Sam sat in a chair next to his bed and sighted.

What else was there left to say?

More than not it was his fault. God knows how he's going to have to change Dean's mind, show him that despite everything that happened he is loved.

The only problem with it was he wasn't sure Dean was going to believe that; his current behavior actions showed a completely opposite thing of being loved.

Sam reached out and took Dean's cold hand into his own, wrapping his fingers around Dean's. His brother would be so mad if he knew.

But he needed to feel the closeness, to know he's actually still here, still hanging on. To know he still has a brother he tried so hardly to deny, to punish, to push away.

Sam peered into his face, searching for any glimpse of a movement. There was none. Nobody knew when he'll wake up. It could be tomorrow, it could be in a week. It could be never.

Dean looked so young like this, freckles standing out on his pale skin. Sam was sure he could count them if he really wanted to.

"I'm so _so_ sorry, Dean." Sam finally let the tears he was holding for so long fall. "I never meant to hurt you so bad, push you away so far you couldn't see the light." he sobbed, holding onto Dean even harder. "Please, wake up. We're gonna fix it all, I promise. You can't leave me."

There was nothing.

Sam kept crying quietly, the reality and horror of what happened hitting him with full force at once.

"When you wake up we're going to talk, De'n. just you and me, the biggest chick flick you have ever had in your life." Sam promised.

And so he sat with his brother in a hospital on a Christmas Eve, trying to hang on onto hope, that he'll be able to fix what was left of his little broken family, whispering to himself that it still isn't too late.

* * *

i promise to get them to talk in the next chapter ;) ain't gonna be all sunshine and flowers i'll give you that, but...

sorry this one is so short

Happy New Year!

thanks for reading xx

please, leave a review to see the next chapter sooner xd


	3. It's over

It was around noon, another day when Dean started to wake up.

It was hazy at first. His feelings numb, his memory blank. A complete giant nothing.

Where was he?

Dean pried his eyes open, with more effort than he wanted to.

 _Hospital?_

How the hell that happened?

"Dean? You're awake?"

Sam's face appeared in his eyesight.

Sam looked concerned. What the hell had happened? Did some wendigo ripped him apart?

"Wha-"

"How are you feeling?" Sam asked.

Dean just started back at him, frowning. He looked down.

Sam was holding his hand. In fact he was gripping it like he could disappear any moment.

"'Kay" he muttered. His voice was raspy and his throat hurt.

"You need a drink?" his brother asked. He nodded.

Just now he started to notice other things.

It was a day outside.

Everything seemed off.

He had a nasal cannula under his nose, two IV's in his arms, that blood pressure and heart rate machines attached to him. What ha-

And it came back to him.

 _Oh shit._

"Here you go" Sam held a cup to him. Dean accepted it with a shaking hand.

"Thanks" he rasped out.

He gotta admit, water did help his sore throat. But it was the last of his problems; now he was afraid of the storm that he knew was about to burst.

He wasn't suppose to wake up, he wasn't suppose to make it out alive, he is not suppose to be here.

His plan was not to survive and outlive the utter disappointment of Sam and the conversation he'll have to endure. He just wished for peace.

Sam must have noticed his sudden change in a mood, because he was all over him in a second.

"Are you alright, what's wrong?" the younger Winchester started interrogating.

Dean just shook his head.

He didn't want to talk. Not now, not ever. To anyone.

He didn't own an explanation.

But the biggest thing that was still bugging him was why? Why did Sam saved him? He hated him, he shouted at him, he didn't even talk to him anymore. So what changed?

"Dean?" Sam asked again, trying to catch his eyes, figure out the reason of his silence.

So Dean looked him straight in the eye, his stare sad, but piercing right into his brother's soul, and asked:

"Why did you saved me?"

* * *

That was not what Sam was expecting to hear.

He was glad that Dean woke up. It took him more than 18 hours to do so, but he was grateful he did.

While waiting, hoping, praying, he had more than little time to think. What was he gonna say, how to sort the situation out?

He had no one to ask for advice. Bobby was dead, Cas… God knows where he was. He wouldn't understand. What was left? Garth? Jody? They weren't that close. He couldn't just call and say "Hey, Dean tried to off himself, do you have any advice how to deal with this, cause I don't."

No, he couldn't do matter was in his own hands.

He needed to get to the roots of it. But first, he needed to make sure Dean won't do it again. And before that, he needed to make him talk. He knew he was still mad about all the Gadreel situation, but look where his anger got them. He couldn't stay mad forever. Even if he could, Dean didn't need to know that, he doesn't need another suicide attempt.

So when Dean asked why did he saved him, he could do nothing else, but stare, for a long moment.

"Why? WHY? Do you even need to ask, Dean? I've-"

"Yeah, I do."

"You're _my brother_ , Dean, what were you expec-"

"That's not what you said last time."

Sam stared at Dean, while Dean stared at Sam. It lasted until Dean turned his gaze to his lap. He looked sad, somehow empty.

"I- I what?" the younger hunter asked, confused.

"We're not brothers, Sam, that's what you said. Not family." Dean's voice cracked. "So yeah, I wonder why you did it. And what you are doing here… it's also a question."

Sam felt guilty instantly, words hitting him like bullets.

It was his fault. He told Dean they are no longer brothers, no longer family. He wanted to keep his distance. And of course, Dean being Dean, took his words to his heart.

And he got what he wanted after all.

"Dean…" he started.

"Don't" the older Winchester interrupted him again. "Just… don't. I get it, I get all of it, I really do., believe me. You finally got fed up with me and my shit and decided you've had enough and that's okay. Let it go." he closed his eyes, breathing deeply.

"Well, that's _not_ happening, Dean, I'm not letting this go, and you know why? Oh yeah, right, because you tried to kill yourself!" Sam shouted. "What, you thought I'm just gonna walk away and leave you for dead? Or stand here and say nothing?" he stepped back for a moment, trying to keep his emotions in check. Altho he was trying to calm himself down, so he would not get thrown out on his ass by security, he was perfectly aware of the look Dean had given him.

And it was like a slap to his face.

Dean did thought Sam wasn't going to save him or care enough to talk about the issue.

"You did thought that…" he expressed his astonishment.

"Leave me alone" Dean turned around to lie on his side, facing the wall. He just wanted for Sam to stop bugging him., he wanted to be left alone.

"Hell no, Dean, you are not shutting me out!" Sam said demandingly.

"What, don't like the taste of your own medicine? Too bad."

"I don't care, Dean. I won't let this go unnoticed and you will talk to me sooner rather than later. Have you even stopped to think what it will do to me?"

Suddenly, Dean turned around to face his brother, looking like he was about to burst into tears any moment.

"To you? You seemed more than okay with me being gone. In fact, you were acting like you want me out of your life for quite awhile. And I didn't recognize it at first, but eventually it occurred to me clear as a day. So, I took the matter in my own hands. You always complained how we weren't seeing eye in eye anymore, and now that we did, you're not okay with that again? Then what is _your_ problem, Sam?"

"You think I was acting that way because I wanted you to kill yourself?" Sam shook his head unbelievingly. "I wanted you to understand the consequences of your actions, Dean! For once, to look back at what you did and understand that it was not right!"

"Oh, I get that too, Sam, I do. That's the fucking reason I don't wanna be around to screw something else too, alright? You keep reminding me how many times I screwed up, but thanks, I remember that myself just fine. I'm just done with all of it!" Dean shouted back. But then it felt like all his strength just left him, leaving him empty, and he just slumped back into his bed. "I'm just done" he rubbed his face, feeling more exhausted than before.

Sam bit his lip, worried.

He had never seen Dean like this.

"You don't mean that" he said quietly, sitting beside his brother. He reached out to him, seeking some kind of comfort, but Dean pulled his hand away.

"It's over, Sammy" he finally muttered, glancing at Sam one more time before closing his eyes.

The younger brother was left there, sitting alone with his thoughts and a hollow feeling in his chest.

His mind was echoing Dean's words over and over in his head, and he couldn't help, but feel helpless.

Dean wanted to die, he was lost and Sam wasn't sure if he'll be able to find him and bring him home this time.

* * *

sorry it took so long, school is nuts these days, exams are coming and i'm applying to universities, and i got sick on top of everything. crazy time xd

thank you for reading tho xx

please, leave your review/ thoughts. Maybe you have some ideas/expectations you'd like to see in the next chapter? let me know xx


	4. picking up the pieces

So, uh, i kinda forgot i have this fanfic account(i have another one where i'm updating and making people cry) and stumbled upon this story and was like 'holy shit, that's mine!' and, yeah. i came back though hehe.  
Don't know about this chapter, honestly, feels kind of weird to me, but just didn't want to make you wait any longer.  
and I'm turning 20 next week!(i'm not exited, i'm terrified. i'm having mu sixth mid life crisis)  
Anyway, try to enjoy!

* * *

Chapter 4

* * *

Just an hour later it was a lunch time and Sam woke his older sibling up to eat.

And Dean wasn't delighted with the idea of eating or waking up at all. Although, he sat up slightly, only to look like the grumpiest person in the whole world, which Sam thought would look adorable if the situation wouldn't be so serious, and then just turned to face the wall again.

"Dean, come on, you have to eat. Nurses said I can even bring you some pie later if you eat it."

The older brother didn't give any indicator that he heard him nor that he was interested in pie, which was not a good sign, Sam noted.

The thing was, no matter how much he coaxed him into eating, nothing worked. Dean was either telling him to go away or staying quiet.

"Come on, man. It's Christmas" he finally pleaded, not knowing what to do. Dean never shut him out like this, ever.

"Yeah, exactly, and I'm not even suppose to be here!" Dean shouted, still not turning back to face his sibling. "And If it's Christmas and you're so keen to have one, how about you go to Jody's and have some good time there? I'm sure she'll be happy to have you."

Sam felt cold pang in his chest. He hated to see his brother hurting so much, especially knowing it's mostly his fault.

"Why would I go to Jody's man? Sure, she's a friend, but we're not that close and my family is right here" the younger sibling put a comforting arm on Dean's shoulder. "You're right here and I don't want to be with anyone else."

This time Dean turned around, his eyes glistening with tears and anger, and hissed: " _Don't lie to me. Don't_ you _dare_ to fucking _lie to me_ about how much you want to be with me, when for the last couple of months you wanted nothing more but just for me to be gone from you life. So don't you _fucking dare_ " he kept shooting daggers at Sam and then turned to face the wall again.

"Dean, you know that it's not true" he tries again, because goddamnit, he needs to fix it all _right now_ or he might lose his brother for good this time. And he is not ready for that.

"I know I've been a dick to you and I was pushing you away, but not because i didn't want you around, but because you hurt me and i needed time."

"Well, now you can have all the time in the world. Enjoy" Dean shot back quietly. He didn't want to hear any of that, because he knew he was going to break and he knew he could not handle that; shattering into pieces in front of Sam.

"No, no!" the youngest man almost shouted. "I want you to listen to me. Please" he stood up and sat onto Dean's bed, reaching out to hold his hand. He still couldn't see his brother's face since he was still curled up onto himself, but he was pretty sure he was doing all that was in his power to keep it together. "Like I said, i know i've been a dick to you and i also know that i went _way_ too far. I guess after Gadreel I just felt like I couldn't trust you anymore and that just sorta shifted my whole world, because you are the only person i've ever trusted. I needed time to wrap my head around all this and time to deal, but when we finally met again i just felt so angry at you that i didn't want to sort anything out, i just wanted to hurt you back. And i did, i know i did. And after that i just couldn't stop, i just kept hurting you, pushing you away, pushing all your buttons and you never told me to stop. And i went too far, failing to see what damage my words and actions caused." he stopped, taking in a shuddering breath. It hurt to talk about this, but he had to. It was one thing to cause the damage, but another one to be there to see the aftermath and try to glue the pieces together again. He couldn't just walk away, no matter how much he wanted to. He wasn't going to be the coward who breaks things and leaves the broken pieces behind for someone else to fix, or not fix at all.

Sam was still squeezing Dean's hand and took it as a good sign that he wasn't telling him to shut up and leave, like he was before, so he continued.

"I know there is no excuse and probably nothing I say will make it better, but for what it's worth I'm sorry it came to this. I'm sorry you couldn't come to talk to me when things got bad and that I wasn't there when you needed me the most. I'm your brother and after all that you've done for me i repaid by saying 'fuck you'. _Who does that?_ " he shook his head, having some problem to keep his own tears in check. "I know that I said we're not family and i don't want us to be brothers…. But, Dean, that's the _furthest_ thing from the truth. Nothing can ever change a fact that you are my big brother and that i love you, and i don't want anyone else living beside me that isn't you. I also know it will take some time for us to fix it, but can you at least promise me that you won't try to kill yourself again? Because i can't-" Sam bit his lip when the memories he wanted so much to forget found a way to reply itself in his mind. "I can't just- you have no idea how horrible it was to find you barely alive in your own room. What scares me the most that if i came to see you some time later you wouldn't be here with me at all, and i just can't-" this time Sam broke off, tears falling down from his eyes. Gosh, it hurt so much to think about it. And it almost became his reality.

"I came to your room to ask if you'd like to have a dinner with me, it being Christmas and all." he kept talking.

"Why" came a muffled sound from the pillow.

"Because it was a family time and I wanted to spend time with you." he shifted a little. "Like i said, i wanted to hurt you with what i said and i did, and I'm sorry for how it made you feel. I should have never made you feel like unwanted, De', never should have made you feel worthless and unloved, and hated, because those are not true. I'm going to prove it to you. I've been a shitty brother i know, but… Can you please, try to forgive me?"

It was that moment of silence and stillness that had all of Sam's nerves on edge. As if the air around them was charged with thousand volts of electricity, just like before the lighting strikes a tree, and it was a matter of time before it striked one of them.

Eventually Dean shifted a little, then turned to look at his brother with a heartbroken expression on his tear streaked face. His eyes bloodshot and still full of tears.

"It was never your fault, Sammy" he muttered, biting his bottom lip. "It was mine. I have nothing to forgive you for. It's me, who should be asking for one" he sniffled.

Sam could have sworn someone stabbed him in the chest at that moment, because he realized that he screwed up so much _much_ more. Dean's given him _everything_ and he is still protecting him, even from himself, and Sam dared to call him selfish. _Selfish_. When his brother gave everything he could without asking anything in return.

"No, Dean, _no_. You gave everything for me, all your life you've given everything for me, and i never even said thank you. I am an ungrateful brat and yet, you still love me. Even now you try to protect me, but who's gonna protect me _if you're gone?_ " he asked, allowing tears to fall down his face, still looking at his brother. "So screw you for trying to kill yourself and wanting to leave me before we even had a chance to sort things out!" he shouted eventually, allowing his real emotions to show.

"I'm sorry, Sammy" Dean sobbed out, not being able to hold on anymore. "I thought… I thought you wouldn't care. I thought- _I'm sorry_ " he started sobbing for real, crumbling into pieces right in front of Sam.

The younger Winchester leaned in closer and was a little surprised when his brother launched himself at him and buried his face in his chest, weeping as if someone ripped his heart out and told him he's never getting it back.

Sam just put his arms around his brother and held on for life, having a hard time to control his own emotions. Seeing Dean like this, all broken and crying was not something he was used to seeing.

So he just hugged his older brother tighter, hoping that somehow it will hold those broken pieces together. After all, he was there to pick them up.

"Shh, it's alright, Dean, it's alright, you're alright, we'll get through this, I promise, shh, you got nothing to be sorry for, it's alright" he kept mumbling reassuring things to his sibling, who kept saying that he was sorry.

At some point he started rocking them.

Sam didn't know how long it was until Dean's sobbs quieted down, he didn't know how long it was until it felt like he could breathe more easily, but it felt like hours, hell, _days._

"Dean, are you-" he almost asked if he's okay, and the whole goddamn universe knew he was anything but okay. "How are you feeling?" he kept rubbing his back, something he started to do unconsciously sometime earlier.

Dean only shook his head.

He either didn't have any energy to answer or words were something that was too much to handle, Sam decided. Or both.

Of course, he wasn't okay. How can you be okay after this?

"Do you wanna lie down?" Sam asked softly.

A shrug, but the younger Winchester felt how Dean held on just a little tighter after what he said.

He didn't want to let go.

Maybe he thought it was because Sam is uncomfortable or doesn't want this.

"It's okay if you do, I'm not going anywhere." he tried to reassure his sibling.

Slowly, Dean pulled away from him and lied down, but this time facing the room. He still was avoiding to look at his brother and looked pale in a contrast of bloodshot eyes.

The younger brother pulled up the blankets over his sibling, tucking it in slightly.

"Dean, hey" Sam reached out again. "Hey, look at me" he said with a gentle voice that he always savored for Dean. Once he did look up, looking unsure, Sam was there to reassure. "It's alright, man. I'll be here with you, alright? We'll talk when you're ready, there is no rush. But just know that I'm here, alright?"

"Okay" Dean said, his voice just above the whisper. He looked unsure for some reason, as if debating something inside of his head. Eventually he seeked to touch Sam's hand lightly. "Sammy?" he then asked softly, his eyes darting to meet his brother's.

"Yeah, Dean?" Sam answered just as softly, just as silently as his brother. As if any louder noise would break that little connection they made again, as if it would break it all over again and all found pieces might be lost. Again.

Although, he couldn't help but smile a little of how little Dean sounded right now. Like a little kid asking for another cookie, but unsure if he deserves one. And he kept calling him Sammy, as if he was afraid that the Sam would hurt him again, because Sam was mean, but he could talk to Sammy, because, well, he was _Sammy_. His entire world

"Can we go home?" he asked eventually.

Sam was surprised to hear this question. He wasn't expecting to hear it so soon or to hear it at all. He would gladly say yes, but Dean was put on a suicide watch, and that was something he wasn't sure they should do.

Again, it felt like Dean was reading his mind.

"I know what you're going to say and I know that they put me here for three days, but… but it's Christmas"

Dean was looking at him with such a hopeful, bright, but sad eyes, as if Sam was holding his whole world in his hands, his hope. And he can either crush it or give it to him.

And then it was like someone shut the lights off.

"Sorry, you probably don't want-" he started saying, but Sam immediately cut him off.

"Stop it right there. Don't you even dare to finish that sentence, because after all that i've said you should know better. The only reason why i want you to stay here is because they are still treating you and i don't want your condition to get worse."

"I've had worse, I'll be fine"

"But what if something goes wrong?"

"It won't. I'll be fine if you'll be there." he said quietly and that was it.

 _I'll be fine if you'll be there._

 _Because I wasn't okay when you weren't._

Sam paced a little.

"Alright, I'll get you out, but only after you eat and only after the doctor checks on you again, which will be in like another twenty minutes. Can you do that?"

Dean nodded.

"That's good, man. Maybe we'll even find pie somewhere. If not, i'm pretty sure we have everything in the bunker to make it." Sam smiled at him, squeezing his hand reassuringly a little.

And what felt like the first time in eternity, Dean smiled.

* * *

Thanks for reading, leave a review! (that way i won't disappear for another year hehehe)


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